if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
