yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
