i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
