I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
