her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
