Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
