I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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