i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
