there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
