I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
