Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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