Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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