I CAN MOONWALK!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
