You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
