My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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