on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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