dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
