the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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