I heard we made out
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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