How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
