I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
