Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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