Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
