I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize