Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
