I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you didnt know i had herpes?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
They have beer where we have blood.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize