your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
