Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
