I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
