I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize