Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
