i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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