where am i from again
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He has the fingertips of a God
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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