I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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