I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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