he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
