so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
