I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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