I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
