your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
