If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
