He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
