Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
