Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
