my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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