i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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