i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
what day is it and did you see me today?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
