in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize