I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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