This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize