He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
