im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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