his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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