You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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