she woke up with a sticky ear
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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