I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Terrible idea I love it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
