I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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