giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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