why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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