my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
